Thank you for Being a Friend

Ok, so who among you is now humming the Golden Girls theme song? Just me? Oh well...

I have been blessed to share my life with some amazing people. Family, friends, friends so close they should be family, a few people I couldn't stand but they taught me a lot...either way, each a blessing. Their influence has been far reaching and long lasting. 

Tonight I found out that one of my dearest friends, who like many people that I love sadly I have lost touch with, is going to be available for a visit this month coming up.  I don't really know why Kate and I lost touch, but we did; probably my stubbornness and pride...it is usually the culprit. She stood up for me when I got married, was the first friend I shared the news that I was going to be a mom with, and the first friend I called to tell Hannah had arrived. We met in university and became fast friends. She got me on a level no one else did, and loved me even still. We shared lots of honesty...even the hard kind. She moved to California not long after Meg was born, but held my hand thought the first few tough weeks of being a mom of two. 

I can't say that I held her hand when she needed it most. In fact I think I did the opposite, I was so wrapped up in my own life. My actions, or paralysis of action is on my list of requested do-overs. I wish there was a way to get back the last 7 years of being too ashamed to call or email; but there isn't. There is right now though. Right now I am amazed she still wants to see me. Right now I am so relieved that she has a braver sprit than I do. Right now I am wishing my house was cleaner, my clothing size was smaller and my face was younger but, right now, despite all that, I am burstingly happy because right now I remember what real friendship looks like. Thank you Kate, I can't wait to see you.

Kate isn't the only great friend I went MIA on; there have been others. I think when my insecurities get a hold of me I doubt myself so deeply that I doubt those that love me. It isn't fair and it isn't right but it has been serial behaviour for me. For some reason I can convince myself that I am not worth loving and as such walk away from them before they have a chance to walk away from me. Seems ridiculous right? The preemptive breakup with the quality of friend that wouldn't leave you when you are down. Now that said, had any of them called me and said they needed me, I would have moved heaven and earth to help them. honestly though, I gave them no reason to believe I would come through on the big stuff when I couldn't even return a phone call.

Jennifer and I are 5 days apart. We took great pride in being each others first friends. We both grew up in the same hole-in-the-wall hamlet in southern Ontario and were the kind of young friends that would hide when a parent came to pick us up, like if they couldn't find us we wouldn't have to part. At 8 years old she moved and it was the beginning of the end. We got back in touch in high school, and it was great for a long time, but I always felt like I wasn't in the same league as her. She was a natural at being...everything. She was great at being intensely happy and great at being intensely sad. She loved with a full heart and I knew she loved me. But I could never figure out why and so we had this unwritten competition. Where I would subconsciously try and keep up with her and I often felt she would then push to keep up with me. I didn't go to her wedding, cause I was mad she didn't ask me to be in it, so juvenile, right? Here's the kicker...I hadn't asked her to stand up for me, so what did I expect? I don't really know, but when I didn't get it I bailed on her special day...and lost a dear friend.

I walked away from Kathy back in her first year of college. She and I had been inseparable our whole childhoods. Her parents had been like surrogates to me and I could find my way around her house in the dark like it was my own. She sat beside me while I dealt with my dad's passing. She and I shared every adolescent high and low out there. She was as close to a sister as I have ever or likely will ever know. Now Kathy was athletic, beautiful, funny and far better adjusted than I was, but for some reason she still loved me. In true sister style, I never felt like I measured up. The dumb thing, that would occur to me too late into my disappearing act, was to her I did measure up. To her I was enough. It was all in my head that I faltered. Now I see her on Facebook. Her beautiful family, her life which looks like I would have wished for her. Her smiling kids are like a snapshot of the face I grew up with and I love it. I hope that over time we can find a new ground with a full history. For that I must be the brave one though. For that I can't wait and hope that something else will bring her back to me; I will have to swallow that pride and say what is on my mind....I'm sorry and...

Thank you for being a friend 

Traveled down the road and back again 

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant. 

And if you threw a party 

Invited everyone you knew 

You would see the biggest gift would be from me 

And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

There now you're ALL humming the Golden Girls... 😉

A Cacophony of Joy

I sit here drenched in the solid sun of a Prairie afternoon, though the Ontario girl in me chose a home littered with trees. The gloriously tall poplar trees that sound like the rustling of my grandmother's yard, give home to a multitude of birds and kiss the summer goodbye with a golden glow. That is the sound that fills my ears today in this exquisite sun. Perfect right? There is one key element still needed in this mix. One I would have missed even a decade ago. The sound of giggling. Full on, wildly joyous laughter. The sound of silliness. This is the sound of the invention of new worlds and the creation of memories. The sound of kids at work. This is the sound of childhood.

Today I am blessed enough to have that laughter surround me. My three children are playing like mad with some friends of theirs; the children of some of our best friends. It is wonderful to watch them plot and plan the best fort, giggle at each others silly faces and laugh their way through the sunny afternoon. 

This was posted by an old friend on Facebook this week and it got me thinking of how many wonderful memories I have from the children of my childhood. Many were from my neighbourhood, but I also went to school in another community so there were also many from school. I am crummy at staying in touch with people...and I hate that part of me. In fact it was another resolution of this year; to tell people I am thinking of them and how much I love them as I think it...not after it is too late. I miss so many of the unique people I was lucky enough to be surrounded by and the sounds in my yard now remind me of afternoons of my own childhood and the many adventures we enjoyed. We as parents often crave a few moments of silence, but today I am revelling in the boisterously beautiful noise. So with out further ado, here is my list of some wonderful JOY sounds. 

A new baby's cry

Three times in my life I have heard the first utterance of a human being's life. That very first cry out to the world saying 'at long last I am here' is like no other sound and one that has been written on my soul in indelible ink. Many of the cries a baby makes in its early years can be exasperating but that first one...is precious.

A purring cat

I had the best cat ever growing up; her name was Sweet-pea. She was a tiny cat with a big heart and an even bigger purr. Each night she slept with me and the sound of her purring was the most simple and joyful lullaby. Knowing she was as at peace with me as I was with her was purr-fection....

The sound of a child praying 

I have a hard time praying sometimes, because I get caught up in the words. Grownups worry about what words they should say to the Divine, not wanting to say the wrong thing; but not kids. Kids just say whatever is on their hearts and that is the epitome of unabashed praying. That is what God wants and what I let my pride get in the way of. That is real respect for the Divine...that is joyful love.

The sound of the orchestra warming up before a show

I attended a lot of theatre as a child, it was one of my favourite things. Musicals, opera, ballet, performance theatre... I loved it all and it all started with the orchestral warm up. The orchestra pit would come to life and a special electricity would fill the room. I remember saying to my Godmother (one of my favourite people in the world) that I knew the song they were playing; feeling quite pleased with how cultured I was...it was a number of years before I understood why she dissolved in laughter. Of course it was just the warm up but it was a sound I knew and loved...and was totally charged with joy for me.

That perfect song that allows you to time travel

Some songs are veritable DeLoreans. I can be in the parking lot of my high school everytime I hear 'Killing Me Softly' by the Fugees. I can be  back at camp every time I hear 'Father and Son' by Cat Stevens or 'Hello Again' by Neil Diamond. I can be driving with my mom when I hear 'Prisoner of Love' by Perry Como or snuggled on my Uncle Doug's lap every time I hear 'Pussy Willows Cattails' by Gordon Lightfoot; and I love going back to all these places for a re-visit. There are many more songs that allow a trip back, though not every place is a pleasant memory. Either way-even the sad ones are precious to me and I find an odd joy in every last one.

The song from the original Super Mario Bros 

I was never lucky enough to have an NES, but my bestie Kathy had one. We spent hours sitting in her basement playing in the dark with the most comfortable corduroy pillows ever. That sound...come on...you know the song I mean...dum, dum, dum, da, dum, da, dum...da, da, da, dum, da, dum, dum, da, dum, dum....sorry got caught up. Anyhow, that song sounds like time with her. It sounds like a challenge...it sounds like my whole generation. I never did rescue the princess...but it is still a bucket list item.

Thunder

I adore a big thunder storm. I love the flashes of light and the house shaking booms. It is loud as can be and nothing is better as far as sounds to fall asleep to. A good snuggle from my husband during a thunderstorm and truth be told there isn't much more I could ask for in life.

These are just a few things I love to hear...among many. What are your most joyous sounds? What noisy love do you crave in your life? 

❤ Cat

Refining My Brokenness

So one of my resolutions this year was to write more, or at least again. I have always healed, laughed and lived through my writing but for some reason over the last few years I have stopped baring my soul through pen and ink. It is a little like deciding to stop breathing to a writer, but I am deciding to take a deep breath again. I am deciding to write again. so I know who I am. So my kids will know who I was. So I can find out who I am becoming.

I am going to start by trying out Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday. The plan is you write for 5 minutes on a particular topic provided by her each Friday, (no editing or re-writes...just unadulterated writing) today's prompt was BROKEN....so here goes...

BROKEN:

I grew up believing I was broken. I was broken cause I didn't have my dad. That if he was here I would experience an insta-fix. i guess that is why I wanted to have someone in my life always...never wanted to be alone. I figured that somehow a man would come into my life and fix me…’cause that is what men do isn’t it? I grew up believing that to be broken because you didn't have a dad or man was something you needed to be ashamed of and hide. You hide you're hurt. I’m not even really sure who taught me that lesson; but I knew it as surely as I knew I was broken.

Now many more moons than I would have liked have passed…and let’s be honest I’m still a little broken. I’m still a little convinced that I should be hiding it. The difference is that now I am sure that I am not the only one experiencing waves of brokenness. I am certain that we are all in our own way and in our own time breaking, repairing… breaking and repairing, refining ourselves like shining silver.

That man I dreamed of did come into my life. I am certain that the most honourable thing that my husband has done for me though is to sit beside me while I cry over my brokenness realizing I am not alone. He has watched me, encouraged me, cheered for me, covered for me and sheltered me while I fixed myself. He has never ‘fixed’ me; he has just loved me through my brokenness… despite my brokenness… sometimes because of my brokenness.

I don’t always love the realization that I am, in fact, broken at times. But I love the strength that comes from the refiner’s fire as the brokenness, my imperfections are burned off.

I Have a blog? Ooh! I should update it!!!

So at long last...I'm updating my blog...(get off my back Kim :) ).
I just got the new digital scrapbooking program from Stampin' Up-My Digital Studio and could hardly stand waiting to try it out.
It is so unbelievably easy to use as well as filled with a ton of options. Needless to say I am very happy with it. These are the first few pages I have pumped out.

Loving the freedom to try stuff with no mess, waste or concerns...love it!

TFL
Cat

The things we do for friends...especially the good ones

So...I have a friend (who will remain nameless) who has had a rough week. Let's say for conversation sake she hurt her back, is at home with her two kids and was expected to take wedding pictures for her sister's wedding this weekend. All that of course, is purely hypothetical. Trying to be a good friend I made a wedding card for said wedding for her...and she forgot to come get it. Now hypothetically speaking if this story were true...the card above is what you missed out on...hope you had a good wedding and feel better Kim...I mean hypothetical friend :)

Sneak Peak...

'Cause everyone is as excited as I am about my little group (coincidentally of my friends) that I lead as a stampin' Up demonstrator I thought I would share a sneak peek of what we will be working on at our August meeting. This group has been super fun to work with and has been the best ever introduction into being a demonstrator.

I decided that to ensure everyone is getting their moneys worth out of the stamps and supplies they purchase we would do both a card and a project which shows the versatility of the crafting style. Also it is a great way to make gifts for people or stock pile some last minute hostess gifts or thank yous.

Above is the peek at August's project and card and at the end you will see what we worked on for June and July. It is driving me nuts having to wait a month between meeting with everyone...I just want to do all of our cool stuff right away!

AUGUST

JULY

JUNE

Hope everyone likes the projects...and for some crazy reason if you are not one of the stamping group and you happen along my blog and would like details on any of the projects feel free to leave a comment...If you are part of the group remember what your mom taught you..."If you don't have some thing nice to say..." JUST KIDDING!

Thanks for looking!

P.S. Not in quite so far over my head these days...it has been a nice change :) Thanks a ton to all my awesome friends...had a great BBQ on Friday and I'm grateful to be at a place in life where I can laugh at the losers on 'Dating in the Dark'! ;)

Cheers All!

in over my head

Hello there world wide web. I am here to break a nasty little conspiracy of women...for any men reading ...I don't know...go close your eyes or go find something testosterone based to do... Here goes...

Ahem, my name is Catherine and I am in over my head...
There I said it...

I hate saying it. I hate knowing it even more. but there it is folks, I am in over my head. From bills to kids, messes to 'should do's', I am in over my head. I want to have it all together, and I am the first to recognize some days I do, but not today (or this week for that matter). As women we flaunt our ability to do it all. Picture the mother stirring a pot on the stove, talking on the phone while holding a baby in her arms and if she could juggle for a circus she would. That is the ideal we are all expected to live up to, or I suppose I expect myself to live up to. I have a busy schedule, and three kids but somehow when the laundry is undone I am ashamed of myself. So ashamed in fact that in paralyses me into inaction. I want to breeze through life like we are all trying to do but this week I am stuck. Stuck by work, commitments, kids, LAUNDRY(!!!) and so on.

I think the hardest part this week is that I want so desperately to be a good mom, not just good but the best that I can be... and I feel like I am missing something. This is based on the frustrations my husband and I are currently facing with our two oldest little darlings.

Does anyone out there have any feedback on what makes your day work? Anyone got a clue about how to keep the motherhood/wife hood/womanhood show on the road? I don't know maybe this is really only about me and my challenging week, but it seems like in the dark corners of all of our conversations there is a secret acknowledgement that none of this is as easy as we thought it would be when the husbands were members of a boy band we dreamt about and the babies were dolls that ended up being left out in the rain.

I am open to any and all suggestions, ideas, critiques or thoughts...PLEASE HELP!!!

Howdy from Banff

I know Kimberly...it has been too long since I posted on my blog...but I finally had something I really couldn't resist sharing with you all...all like 3 of you but really who is counting. Anyhow we have been enjoying a week in Banff with my mom, the kids and myself...waiting patiently for Sean too...and just wanted to let you see what we have been up to.

We have had the chance to explore, swim, head up the gondola to Sulpher Mountain, check out some wild life and of course...this afternoon was makeover time...what girls trip is complete without that?

Our weather has been pretty rainy, but nothing compares to a Rocky Mountain thunderstorm...WOW! Trip has gone smoothly so far and I have only threatened to leave someone on the side of the road a few times...and in my defense I have never followed through!

Hope everyone at home is well and Sean; we MISS you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. Can't wait for you to get here!

Lotsa love,

Catherine, Hannah, Meg & Kane

A year has come and gone...

First day Of Grade 1!

As a child a year of school was interminable and I am finding as an adult, that year is gone before it even feels like it started. Today was Hannah's last day of Grade 1; the beginning of her first ever real summer holidays. Kindergarten didn't really count as it was only twice a week... That is what she said anyways. By chance she wore the same shirt today that she wore on her first day of school so I couldn't resist the before and after shot. I have officially become that mom...and I love it!

I will be the first to admit that Hannah can be a challenging little person. This year has confirmed for me that if nothing else! My apologies to her teachers... This year has confirmed many other things for me as well. So here are 10 randoms on what I have learned about Hannah and school this year.

1. She might be the poster child for ADHD...wanna ride bikes?

2. She is a social butterfly, just like her mother was. She knows all the kids names in just about every grade, she knows who everyone is related to and can strike up a conversation with any of them.

3. She loves people a lot. Every teacher has told me if they feel a little person hugging

them...they then know Hannah is out and about because it is almost always her hugging them. I love that our teachers in our small town school can hug her back.

4. She has a great sense of humour. Lots of the stories I have heard about her involve her and her funny antics. She loves to make people laugh!

5. Watching her go from learning a few sight words to snuggled in bed reading a chapter book may have been one of my favourite progressions ever...even better than the crawling to walking (and she gets into less stuff now!)

6. I have to really be commited to her daily school routine. Helping with spelling tests means successful spelling tests...She is needing that support at home if she wants to be successful...and it is really special time to be with her.

7. They learn a lot in school and my daughter (like everyones kids I'm sure...) is a sponge. She can talk urban vs. rural and herbivore vs. carnivore...very cool!

8. Hannah has some really awesome friends. It encourages me to think that she is a good friend back. Learning lessons like apologising if you were rude, standing up for what is right, and caring for those you love are lessons that will serve her for the rest of her life.

9. My daughter has the weirdest sense of what is good...like leaving your socks in your desks for weeks on end...or creating a pencil lead collection...um...yeah...

10. School can be/is fun. She is super excited to be on summer vacation this year since we have a lot of fun stuff planned but she can hardly wait to be in Grade 2. That tells me that school is fun...or Hannah would be praying..."anywhere but here...anywhere but here"

Last Day Of Grade 1!

My new toy...

I totally fell in love with photography when I worked at the paper. Before then I had enjoyed it but to find a new angle...a new image for an annual event...that takes love. I count that as one of the huge blessings of having worked at the Advocate for so long.

Anyways...when Kim upgraded her camera to a new body and was looking to sell her old digital SLR I jumped at the chance. When I was young, my mom took beautiful photos and had a variety of lenses for her camera and with a very inexpensive adapter...I am now photographing her grandkids with the same lenses. Admittedly, it will take a while to get used to putting a bit more work into each photograph but I am hoping with some dedication and imagination it will be worth it!