I have been blessed to share my life with some amazing people. Family, friends, friends so close they should be family, a few people I couldn't stand but they taught me a lot...either way, each a blessing. Their influence has been far reaching and long lasting.
Tonight I found out that one of my dearest friends, who like many people that I love sadly I have lost touch with, is going to be available for a visit this month coming up. I don't really know why Kate and I lost touch, but we did; probably my stubbornness and pride...it is usually the culprit. She stood up for me when I got married, was the first friend I shared the news that I was going to be a mom with, and the first friend I called to tell Hannah had arrived. We met in university and became fast friends. She got me on a level no one else did, and loved me even still. We shared lots of honesty...even the hard kind. She moved to California not long after Meg was born, but held my hand thought the first few tough weeks of being a mom of two.
I can't say that I held her hand when she needed it most. In fact I think I did the opposite, I was so wrapped up in my own life. My actions, or paralysis of action is on my list of requested do-overs. I wish there was a way to get back the last 7 years of being too ashamed to call or email; but there isn't. There is right now though. Right now I am amazed she still wants to see me. Right now I am so relieved that she has a braver sprit than I do. Right now I am wishing my house was cleaner, my clothing size was smaller and my face was younger but, right now, despite all that, I am burstingly happy because right now I remember what real friendship looks like. Thank you Kate, I can't wait to see you.
Kate isn't the only great friend I went MIA on; there have been others. I think when my insecurities get a hold of me I doubt myself so deeply that I doubt those that love me. It isn't fair and it isn't right but it has been serial behaviour for me. For some reason I can convince myself that I am not worth loving and as such walk away from them before they have a chance to walk away from me. Seems ridiculous right? The preemptive breakup with the quality of friend that wouldn't leave you when you are down. Now that said, had any of them called me and said they needed me, I would have moved heaven and earth to help them. honestly though, I gave them no reason to believe I would come through on the big stuff when I couldn't even return a phone call.
Jennifer and I are 5 days apart. We took great pride in being each others first friends. We both grew up in the same hole-in-the-wall hamlet in southern Ontario and were the kind of young friends that would hide when a parent came to pick us up, like if they couldn't find us we wouldn't have to part. At 8 years old she moved and it was the beginning of the end. We got back in touch in high school, and it was great for a long time, but I always felt like I wasn't in the same league as her. She was a natural at being...everything. She was great at being intensely happy and great at being intensely sad. She loved with a full heart and I knew she loved me. But I could never figure out why and so we had this unwritten competition. Where I would subconsciously try and keep up with her and I often felt she would then push to keep up with me. I didn't go to her wedding, cause I was mad she didn't ask me to be in it, so juvenile, right? Here's the kicker...I hadn't asked her to stand up for me, so what did I expect? I don't really know, but when I didn't get it I bailed on her special day...and lost a dear friend.
I walked away from Kathy back in her first year of college. She and I had been inseparable our whole childhoods. Her parents had been like surrogates to me and I could find my way around her house in the dark like it was my own. She sat beside me while I dealt with my dad's passing. She and I shared every adolescent high and low out there. She was as close to a sister as I have ever or likely will ever know. Now Kathy was athletic, beautiful, funny and far better adjusted than I was, but for some reason she still loved me. In true sister style, I never felt like I measured up. The dumb thing, that would occur to me too late into my disappearing act, was to her I did measure up. To her I was enough. It was all in my head that I faltered. Now I see her on Facebook. Her beautiful family, her life which looks like I would have wished for her. Her smiling kids are like a snapshot of the face I grew up with and I love it. I hope that over time we can find a new ground with a full history. For that I must be the brave one though. For that I can't wait and hope that something else will bring her back to me; I will have to swallow that pride and say what is on my mind....I'm sorry and...
Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.
There now you're ALL humming the Golden Girls... 😉
No comments:
Post a Comment